When They Were Young
by TwilightRein
Summary: Sakubo, Iori Nakanishi, protected from cruelty. Haseo, Ryou Miaski, Skeith's first victim. Endrance, Kaoru Ichinose, searching for a long-forgotten shadow. Three different people with a common pitiable childhood.
1. 11 year old Iori

0o0o0o0o0o

* * *

Hospitals were never Ryou's favorite place to visit.

Ever since a rare paralysis disease left him in a coma and stolen a large portion of his childhood memory, hospitals weren't his favorite place. That disease had set him back, and he was lucky it hadn't robbed him the faces of his parents. Every visit since then was dreaded. He couldn't remember a time when he _willingly_ walked into a hospital besides visiting Shino during her coma and recovery.

And no matter what, hospitals weren't going to let him go. Those anti-bacterial claws were imbedded into Ryou deep enough to never release him. Even now, he was back in the very same hospital of his childhood, walking through familiar hallways that smelled of clean death.

"Hopefully, this'll be the last time." Ryou said, placing a hand against the white wall.

After the long battle with AIDA then Cubia, the Lost Ones were beginning to wake up. And Shino, she had finished her rehabilitation. Her discharge was today.

"I forgot where her room was." Ryou mumbled.

Nonetheless, he continued to walk around. He knew the number was somewhere on this floor. He'd forgotten his cell phone at home, thinking he wouldn't need it considering he lived rather close to the hospital. He grumbled and sighed. He was bound to find her room soon.

In no particular rush, he aimlessly walked.

Up ahead, a business woman was vehemently talking to a doctor. Beside her, a thinly pale child stood two feet behind her. A teddy bear was grasped in his arms, dark hair falling over the front of his eyes as the woman's voice became shriller. Whatever it was, the doctor was trying to pacify her.

"I'm sorry ma'am but can you lower your voice."

"I don't understand. It's only for a few days and it's urgent. I couldn't possibly take him all the way to Hokkaido and back. He'll be a burden."

"Ms. Nakanishi, I don't think that's something to be said in front of your own-"

"It's the truth." Behind her, the little boy flinched and clutched his bear even tighter. Ryou scowled.

What kind of mother was she to blurt that in front of her own child? For his credit, the doctor was handling her pretty well but she was still persistent.

Ryou walked up to him, interrupting her conversation.

"Hey, Dr. Kurogai."

"Ah, Misaki, it's been a while." He greeted.

"Yeah, is everything alright?" He asked, eyeing the woman. She was dressed sharply, all business and no play. Her eyes narrowed, examining him from top to bottom.

"Who are you?"

"He's Ryou Misaki." Dr. Kurogai introduced. "He's been under my care for a number of years."

"Hmm, say, can you babysit this weekend?" She asked while she rummaged through her purse.

"Hah?"

She quickly pulled out a notepad and rapidly wrote something down. She pushed the paper to him and he unwilling grabbed it in confusion.

"I'll contact you once I'm ready to pick him up." Without another word, she turned heel and left, not saying a word to her son. Ryou was left stunned and Dr. Kurogai chased after her, trying to convince her otherwise. It was now only the boy and him.

Ryou sighed as he scratched his head. There was no way he could turn away. He wasn't that cold.

"What's your name?" Ryou asked, kneeling in front of him.

The boy fidgeted, clutching his bear tighter. Ryou could see a crescent moon held between the bears' stubby arms. "I… I'm Iori Nakanishi."

Ryou blinked. Nakanishi? Wasn't Bo's last name Nakanishi? He looked back down the hallway; the woman talking rather animatedly that suggested she was annoyed. She certainly seemed like the woman Saku had described in their emails. Ryou looked back at Iori. It was worth a shot.

"Hey, are you Bo?"

At hearing his name from The World, Iori finally looked up from the floor. He took a good look at the man in front of him. He was scary looking. Dark hair was pushed back, allowing a full view of his eyes but Iori could feel kindness in those light colored eyes.

"H-Haseo?"

Ryou smiled, sighing in relief. "This is a hell of a coincidence."

Iori nodded, heart beat finally starting to return to normal. He was relived, knowing it was Haseo. He hadn't wanted to go with a stranger but he was scared to raise his voice when his mother began giving Ryou their information. Even if he did, she would never listen to him.

Iori sniffed loudly and bit back a sob. He was going to be okay. Haseo was with him. It was okay.

"So that was your mother." He said, watching Dr. Kurogai come back by himself. Seemed like he wasn't successful at bringing her back. While Iori never talked much about his mother, Saku didn't hold back in her emails. And Ryou had to agree with her. She wasn't a pleasant woman.

"I'm sorry Ryou. Ms. Nakanishi is quite headstrong."

"It's fine."

"I guess I have no choice but to-"

Iori blinked, lowering his head.

"I said it's fine." Ryou interrupted. "I can take care of him."

"Are you sure? Iori's health isn't as strong as other kids his age."

"Neither was mine, remember? Anyway, I'll look after him." Ryou said with finality. Dr. Kurogai chuckled at Ryou's stubbornness. The doctor kneeled beside Iori.

"Ryou can be a scary-"

"Hey!"

"-but he is a good guy. Ryou has my emergency number so if anything happens; he'll be able to reach me anytime. Will you be okay?" Iori nodded. The doctor patted his head, sharing a kind smile.

"His mother brought Iori's suit case. It's in his room so I'll go get it. I'll also catch up with her so I can give her your contact information."

Ryou nodded and Dr. Kurogai ran off. It took a moment before Ryou realized he still didn't know where Shino's room was.

"Shit, and he was right here too." He mumbled and looked around the barren hallways once more.

"Is something wrong?" Iori asked.

"Not exactly but-"

He stopped, eyes trained down the opposite hallway. Iori followed and saw a girl waving at him. Ryou waved back. At least that problem was finally resolved.

Iori remained quiet. It must've been Ryou's friend, Iori thought. He habitually backed away, the same distance his mother always told him to keep when she was talking with other people. Ryou noticed the shift. He kneeled in front of Iori again and beckoned him forward.

"What're you doing?"

"Staying out of the way." Iori replied.

Ryou sucked his teeth and sighed. "You don't have to do that. Not with me."

Shino stopped in front of them, looking at Ryou.

"I thought you knew this hospital." Shino teased, a hand poised on her cocked hip.

"Stuff happened." He replied, looking up at her.

Shino hummed thoughtfully as she looked at Iori. He flinched and looked away. Shino smiled and joined Ryou on the floor.

"Hello there."

"…hi."

"What's your name?"

"Iori Nakanishi."

"I'm Shino Nanao. I'm Ryou's friend." She said. Iori nodded but he kept his gaze downcast. He wasn't used to friendly voices outside of The World.

"Do you like sweets?" She asked. Iori looked up and nodded. "Why don't we go out for parfaits as a celebration for our new friendship?" Iori's eyes lit up but he reigned himself in and pulled back. Shino blinked in surprise and she looked towards Ryou.

"Iori, there's only one rule while you stay at my place." He started. Iori braced himself. He flinched when he felt a hand gently placed on top of his head. "Don't hold yourself back."

He looked at Ryou, confusion clearly written in his eyes.

"He's telling you to be as selfish as you want. It must be for a good cause since this one here is pretty selfish himself."

"Hey!"

Shino laughed and ignored him. "So do you want to join me for that celebratory parfait?"

Iori looked from Shino to Ryou. Ryou sighed and scratched his head. He stood up and Iori felt a cold shiver pass through him.

He'd done it again. He'd made someone mad. Iori kept his gaze on the floor, afraid to meet eyes that were surely annoyed with him. He flinched back when a hand entered his field of vision. Iori looked at the hand extended towards him, patiently waiting.

His eyes traveled further up until he met Ryou's eyes. They weren't annoyed or angry. He stood there, waiting. Iori looked over at Shino and she only smiled. She wasn't angry either. Neither of them was.

"I- I like parfaits." He said. He timidly took Ryou's hand and his hand completely disappeared underneath his warm fingers.

"Good. Once the doctor gets back, we'll go." Iori nodded happily and stayed neared Ryou, happy to know Ryou was doing so much without even knowing how much that was.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o


	2. 12 year old Iori

0o0o0o0o0o

* * *

Ryou's apartment became Iori's second home.

It was the place he looked forward to going, like a child wishing to go to Disneyland. Iori was happy there. His mother wasn't there. He didn't need to be careful. He didn't need to tip toe around her when she was working. He didn't have to make himself scarce.

And Ryou's apartment was so much more interesting. Iori learned a lot.

For one, he lived on his own. Iori learned that the very first time he slept over. Ryou could also cook; a fact that surprised him, and made Shino laugh when he saw his expression.

"It's surprising, right, that a guy like him can cook." She had said, pointing to a grumbling Ryou.

Iori also learned that Shino was the only person to ever visit.

Once Iori's mother had contacted Ryou, she essentially hired Ryou as his nanny for the weekends. It was convenient for her, letting Iori stay with him to attend more to her job. His weekends became his most treasured time.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o

* * *

Iori watched Ryou pace back and forth. His cellphone was glued to his hand, checking the screen every other second. Iori had his M2D affixed on top of his head, the game paused. Ryou hadn't said anything but Iori could tell he was nervous. Iori put down the controller and hopped off the sofa, walking to the kitchen.

Three months had passed since Ryou officially began looking after him. Iori was comfortable enough to walk around Ryou's apartment without asking for permission from him every single time. Iori grabbed a pudding cup from the fridge, sitting down at the counter.

"Ryou, are you expecting someone?"

"Yeah. And he should've been here."

Ryou looked back at his cellphone. Iori hummed softly, watching with just a tiny bit of amusement. He looked so agitated. Ryou kept pacing around, habitually checking his phone and nearly leapt out of his skin when the doorbell rang. Ryou chucked his phone away and headed for the front door.

Iori hopped off the stool and peeked around the corner of the hallway, eyes on the open door. He scrambled away when he heard footsteps, heading back to the sofa, hopping back on. There was more than one footstep coming back.

Like a hawk, he watched as Ryou walked in, right behind him a foreign looking man following him in. He was tall. Taller than Ryou. Something Iori didn't think was possible but everyone was tall compared to himself.

Despite being tall, the guy looked withdrawn, almost timid. He looked over at Iori, causing the young boy to flinch. He had a very cold stare.

"Kaoru, that's Iori." Ryou introduced. Iori waved to him and after a second, the man waved back. When he looked back at Ryou, Kaoru's eyes warmed.

"Ryou, I didn't know you had a son."

"Hey! The hell is that suppose to mean!"

Iori giggled, "Ryou takes care of me on weekends. He's like my big brother."

Kaoru hummed thoughtfully and he looked back at Ryou. "A family friend?"

Ryou shook his head. "Things happened and I'm looking after him because we know the same doctor. You know his sister, He's Bo." He walked over to the kitchen, grabbing his apron from a hook near the fridge. Iori noticed and hopped off the sofa once again, heading to the kitchen. He always liked helping him out.

"Is she here?" Kaoru asked.

"She's asleep right now." Iori said before Ryou could answer. "I'm sure she'll love to meet you later."

"You'll have to tell her not to freak out too much."

"I will," Iori said, nodding. He hopped onto the stool as Ryou began moving around the kitchen for ingredients.

"Ryou is a really great cook even if he does look grumpy sometimes." He said to Kaoru.

"Hey! You sure Saku's asleep?"

Iori smiled pleasantly. "She is."

"Kaoru, you don't have to keep standing." Ryou said, waving his hand at the other open stool.

Kaoru nodded, sitting down across from Iori. Iori smiled again, about to speak when Ryou called his name, asking to help him get some ingredients from the fridge. He happily complied, hopping down and making his way to the fridge.

Kaoru watched Iori carefully; he didn't have to think long about what Ryou meant to Iori. He could see the admiration and respect in his eyes.

"Ryou saved you." He said out loud.

Iori stopped, looking back at Kaoru.

"I didn't save anyone." Ryou said, huffing a bit. "Things just happened." He went back to chopping up the vegetables. Iori, still standing next to Ryou, gave him the rest and walked around the counter to Kaoru. He motioned Kaoru to lean over. After a thought, Kaoru did.

"Ryou saved you too?" He whispered.

Kaoru nodded.

"Ryou's a really nice brother." He said. He grabbed Kaoru's hand, squeezing tightly then went back to Ryou's side just as he called for his help. Kaoru stared at his hand, the warmth of Iori's small hand still lingering.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o

* * *

Ryou's home was never empty now with Kaoru spending time there. There was something always going on.

Later, Iori learned that Kaoru was a hikikomori. When they first met, that was the first time Kaoru's ever left his home. And Iori understood why Ryou was so nervous, pacing about the living room while he had stared at his phone. But there was something more. Iori could tell there was something more.

The way Kaoru looked at Ryou was different from his own. Kaoru's eyes were always following Ryou. With tenderness, with respect; as if he were holding Ryou. There was something deeper between them, a feeling Iori couldn't understand. All he understood was that Kaoru cared deeply for Ryou.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o

* * *

Months passed. A birthday came and went, one that was actually celebrated in a long time with Ryou and Kaoru, and he was now twelve.

His health was stable. And the days he could see Ryou were longer now. His mother advanced in her career; spending more time with business meeting and important phone calls rather than her son. But Iori wasn't surprised by it. That was his life at home. He knew how to handle it.

Avoid her when she's one the phone.

Never enter her room.

If she's working in the living room, stay in his room.

When she cooks, stay out of her way until she's done.

If Iori could follow those rules of his, he was fine. He could spend time in his room, playing The World. He wasn't living by himself but it often felt like he was. He couldn't even remember if his mother ever held him.

Or hugged him.

Had she ever smiled at him?

He could never recall those types of things. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't recall a time when his mother felt like a mom. It was always odd whenever she talked to him, those moments were few and rare in-between and most of the times it was always formal. It never felt like a mother-son conversation.

He set aside his M2Ds and pushed away from his desk, lifting up his right leg to the cushion of the seat. He traced his finger along an old, faded scar on his foot. It was from a few years back, when he finally knew his mother didn't care for him. He'd drop a glass of water on the kitchen floor, a shard cutting his foot. Instead of worrying about him, she scolded him, more concerned about him breaking the cup than his bleeding foot.

And that one single sentence that completely shattered his heart: _I wish your sister was alive instead of you._

Iori sighed, placing his foot back down on the floor. She didn't want him. That much he knew.

"Iori! Come to the living room."

Iori flinched and dropped the remote, walking out of his room. His first thought; did he do something wrong?

He knew he did the dishes well. And the laundry was done. Did he miss something on his chore list? Iori was nervous. He could feel his heartbeat race and it didn't help calm down when he saw his mother sitting down, stern-faced as always.

What did he do wrong?

He sat down opposite her, looking down at the floor.

"I'll be sending you to the same school as Misaki."

Iori looked up, staring at her. Did he hear right? To that school? Why? Questions kept bombarding his mind but he couldn't find his voice to ask any of them.

"I've finally been promoted and my hours will be hectic. The school Misaki attends has dorms and it has a secondary building for junior high."

Iori held in a sigh. So it was work and she was essentially sending him away. He shouldn't have been too surprised. His throat clenched. Instead of talking, he nodded. She was going to forget about him. He knew she was.

She kept on talking, about the school and the education, how she personally went to investigate the school, how conveniently close it was to the hospital. Iori heard but he didn't listen. He was focused on himself, on keeping his face as expressionless as he could.

"It's a prestigious school so make sure you do nothing to embarrass me."

That was the end of the conversation. He nodded and left, heading back to his room. She could hear her pick up the phone and in a minute was talking business again to whoever it was. He quietly closed the door behind him. Listlessly he walked to his bed and fell on it.

A second later he straightened up and grabbed the pillow, flinging it across the room. He angrily stared at the door, a scowl on his lips.

"It's okay, Iori." Sakura said. Iori had withdrawn away from his self, waking up Sakura. "Don't cry, okay. It's okay."

She stood up and grabbed the pillow, flopping back down on her bed. "It's okay, I'm here."

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o0

* * *

"Kaoru, do you need help?"

He was watching the recovering hikikomori do the dishes. Or try to. And for the most part he was doing okay but he would always pause, as if he didn't know what to do next. He grabbed the foot stool placed it next to Kaoru.

"You can do the dishes and I can dry them." He said, taking the plate from Kaoru's hand.

"You seem well used to this sort of thing." Kaoru said, handing Iori another cleaned plate. Iori smiled and nodded.

"I do the dishes at home."

"Your mother must be proud of you." Kaoru said.

Iori forced a smile but said nothing.

Ryou came home right as they had finished the dishes, coming back from his visit to his parents. Kaoru handed the last plate to Iori and greeted Ryou home. To which Ryou merely mumbled back a half-assed remark about Kaoru's word choice. Iori smiled, placing the dried dish on the rack and jumped off the stool.

"Iori, I saw your mom the other day checking out the school. Are you going?" He asked, tossing his messenger bag aside. Iori walked to the living room, sitting down on the sofa. He nodded, softly gripping the end of the couch.

"Mother's been promoted. She's not sure of her hours so I'll be staying in the dorms."

"For both middle and high school?"

He nodded again, this time keeping quiet.

"Iori?"

"I'm excited! That I get to go to the same school as you." He couldn't let himself falter in front of Ryou. He didn't look at Ryou. He couldn't. He gripped his knees and spoke to the floor. "I-" His voice cracked and he felt the first tear roll down his cheek. Iori bit his lip, brows furrowed as he tried to hold back.

"Ryou..."

Ryou walked towards Iori, kneeling in front of him.

"She wants to forget about me. She doesn't want me… near her. I- I know she doesn't!" More tears rolled down. He couldn't stop them now. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't. The words he couldn't say to his own mother wouldn't stop.

Iori was a very understanding boy. He knew when he wasn't needed or when to pull away when someone was done talking but he didn't understand. He knew his mother didn't like him but he couldn't understand why. He knew his mother wished his twin sister was the one alive, but he couldn't _understand why_.

He'd always known, but never understood, and all those years worth of not understanding were storming through his frail body. And Ryou wasn't pushing him away. He was genuinely concerned, watching him anxiously. That scared Iori more than anything because he didn't know what to expect next.

But he trusted Ryou. He was kind. Warm. And he didn't want to live away from him.

"I don't want to live in the dorms." Iori began coughing, doubling over as he clutched his chest.

He couldn't breathe.

"Kaoru! Get my phone!" Ryou shouted.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o0

* * *

"Is he okay?" Ryou asked as soon as Dr. Kurogai left Iori's room. The doctor nodded, letting the nurses into his room.

"It was a panic attack; doing him more harm because of his fragile body. I'll keep him overnight to be sure."

"Oh, so I can just pick him up tomorrow." They both turned to their left, Iori's mother walking up to them. The doctor nodded, a quick curt nod.

"Um, yes. Would you like to go see him?"

She shook her head. "I'll just come back tomorrow for him." Without even looking towards the room, she turned and left.

"Wait, Ms. Nakanishi, Iori told me he'll be attending the middle school section of my school."

"That's correct. Why?"

"I can help. He can stay over my place and I can continue looking after him. You don't even have to continue paying me. If he wants, he can start dorming once he enters high school, but I think for middle school he should stay over at my place."

She hummed thoughtfully, thinking over her options. "What would your parents say?"

Ryou fished over his messenger bag, pulling out his father's business card.

"If you have any questions you can ask my father."

"Oh, Misaki. Your father is the CEO of-"

"He is." Ryou quickly replied. "If you have any questions, you can ask him."

She looked at Ryou then to the card. "Then I don't have a problem with it. But I'll give you a monthly fee for food and living expensive." Ryou nodded. She waved goodbye and left. Ryou sighed and sat down on the chair outside Iori's door.

"Talking to that woman drains me." From the corner of his eye, he could see Dr. Kurogai try not to laugh.

"Um, she's very high maintenance."

"High maintenance is an understatement. Hey, can I go in and see him?"

The doctor nodded. "Sure."

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o0

* * *

The transition to moving into Ryou's apartment was fairly easy. His suitcase became two and the guestroom became his permanent room. Iori's mother didn't say much in her parting words. Behave and don't embarrass her, that was all she said and then she was gone.

But it was okay. He didn't have to go to the dorms. Ryou had told him what happened. He was going to be living with Ryou now for the next 4 years. That was enough for now. He could relax for four years. It was definitely enough.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o

* * *

**I realized that I had already started a previous .hack fic, _Possessiveness's Nature, _Oops. **

**Well, I have more material for this fic than that one at the moment, so it'll stay on hiatus until I finish this one. **


	3. 15 year old Iori

0o0o0o0o0o

* * *

Three years flew by like it was nothing and within those years, Iori only saw his mother once. It was a brief meeting. She came to Ryou's apartment and spent a total of three minutes talking to him. All she wanted to know was how he was doing academically-wise. Which were great, considering the criteria of the school, but Ryou was always helping him whenever he could. But it wasn't enough to please her.

As long as Iori wasn't embarrassing her name, that was all she really cared about.

Once she got the answer she wanted, she left with a single curt and formal goodbye. She didn't even ask or comment on Iori's appearance which had dramatically changed. He was vastly different from how he looked three years ago.

Iori wasn't thin any longer. Not that he was incredibly thin before, if anything, but since his health wasn't always the best, his body was underweight. With Dr. Kurogai maintaining his weight progress and Ryou cooking with his delicate stomach in mind, that helped him significantly. He didn't look so frail or weak.

It was probably the change of environment that Iori grew healthier. Living his mother wasn't exactly a stress free place. But that wasn't the case anymore. His body was stronger now, still nowhere as fit as other kids his age, but it was better than how he was before.

He'd grown taller as well. He wasn't quite five feet tall yet but he was getting there. He was only fifteen. Iori still had a few more years to grow taller. And Iori was fairly attractive, in a shy kind of way.

Still, there were parts of him that wouldn't change.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o

* * *

"Saku, you're leaving already?" Syake asked, her grimoire disappearing as the slain monsters' body faded.

The shadow warlock nodded, putting away her own weapon. "I need to take care of some things offline."

"Send me a short mail if you're able to log back in." Syake said. She restored her own health and started to head to the beast's temple now that the field was cleared of monsters. Saku warped out of the field, into the scenic Dol Dona then logged out.

She exhaled slowly and pulled off the M2D. The guest room in Ryou's apartment had slowly transformed into Iori's room, neat and organized like he kept it at their house. From outside the room, she heard a pot clang against the floor. With a small smile, she pushed herself away from the desk, grabbing the apron from the bed as she left.

"Kaoru, are you okay?" She called out as she walked into the living room. She couldn't see him until he straightened up from behind the counter, pot in hand. He nodded, setting the pot down on the counter.

"It slipped." He said, tucking a lock of hair behind his ear. "Ryou's going to be home soon. I want to help with the preparations for dinner." Sakura hummed thoughtfully as she sat down at the counter, draping the apron on the back of the chair.

"Kaoru, you really like Ryou, don't you."

He turned to look at her, blinking. "It isn't a matter of whether I like him or not. To me, Ryou is an indispensable part of my life. Simply stating I like him is not enough."

"…you're too good for him." She said. Kaoru smiled gently. He leaned over the counter and patted her head.

"He's become indispensable to you, hasn't he."

Sakura blushed, eyes widening as she pulled her head away.

"Not at all! I still don't approve of him!" She spun away, her back to him.

"Will you be helping me today?" He asked.

"Yeah, Ryou asked me too."

Sakura grabbed the apron and began helping Kaoru, setting the pots, getting the ingredients, making sure he didn't burn anything. It was fun. She loved spending time with Kaoru. He wasn't much of a talker but Sakura didn't mind. Silence with Kaoru wasn't uncomfortable. It was just like the many times she would spend time with him in The World.

She would talk, he would listen; it hadn't changed at all. But at the same time, everything changed.

Her feelings had changed. It was simple in The World. She could admire him there in safety. Because Kaoru used to almost always be online. No matter when she logged in, he was there. She could talk to him in her own body. A body that belong to her in only The World.

But in real life, her body didn't exist.

The body she was in wasn't her own. When Kaoru first came over to Ryou's apartment, she didn't meet him. She stayed hidden within Iori's mind, scared to face reality. Sakura didn't want Kaoru to really see her. To see how hopeless she was against a situation she had no control over. It took six months for her to finally meet Kaoru.

It was painful; even more so when realized how far Kaoru was from her.

Endrance, or rather Kaoru Ichinose, was in love with Ryou. She witnessed it. Sakura saw the beginnings of it all. From the time Haseo had scolded Endrance in Indieglut Lugh, to when Kaoru and Ryou met offline, she was there. She saw it all and hated it. She hated Ryou so much. For barging into Kaoru's life, for having Kaoru's undivided attention, for having a body.

Something as simple as falling in love, or being loved, was simple for Ryou because he had a body Kaoru could love. Kaoru could hold him, touch him, and see Ryou for who he was.

If Sakura ever confessed the feelings she harbored, all Kaoru would see is Iori.

There was no way she could compete with a body that wasn't her own.

"Sakura!"

A hand grabbed her wrist and she blinked. Kaoru had stopped her hand, a knife just mere millimeters away from chopping her fingers off.

"Oh."

She'd almost cut her fingers rather than the tomato. "…thank you."

"Are you okay?" He asked. Sakura nodded, setting the knife down.

"Will you be able to handle the rest?"

Kaoru nodded. "Yes, you should rest."

Sakura walked away, heading back to her room. She closed the door behind her and leaned against it. She looked down at her hands. Although they were feminine and delicate, they were hands belonging to a man.

"Iori, wake up, I want to sleep."

* * *

o0o0o0o0o0

* * *

Kaoru was moving in.

The news really didn't surprise Sakura. If anything, she kind of wondered what took so damn long. With Kaoru practically sleeping over all week and going back home for the weekends, it was like he already was living with them. And with most of Kaoru's things already in Ryou's apartment, when the weekend came for Kaoru's actual move, there wasn't much that needed to be brought over.

Sakura opted to stay behind, leaving Ryou and Kaoru to travel to Kanagawa together for the rest of his things. After leaving dinner for her and making sure she knew where the emergency number for Dr. Kurogai was, they left promising to be back by night. Sakura sighed, relieved when the door closed behind Kaoru.

She had the apartment all to herself.

With a mischievous grin, she immediately walked to Ryou's room and stood in front of the door. There was no better chance than now to look for Ryou's dirty secrets. She reached for the doorknob, fingers touching the cold metal but she stopped.

_Sakura?_

"What is it, Iori?" She asked, annoyed.

_Why are you sad?_

"What the hell makes you think I'm sad?" She asked, hand clenching into a fist. Of course Iori could tell she was lying. But he kept quiet. Sakura frowned and pushed open the door. Flicking the lights on, she stepped into Ryou's room.

It was much cleaner than she expected. She looked around, it was clean but it was still a guy's a room; a few clothes strewn about. She grinned as she spotted his desk, immediately making her way and sitting down at the chair. She spun the chair around, slowing until it faced the bed Ryou slept in. The same bed Kaoru slept in too. Her smile dropped. Sakura faced away from it.

"I don't feel like going through his stuff." She said, standing from the chair. She walked past the bed, mind set on raiding the fridge when something at the corner of her eye caught her attention. She stopped, spotting a small book on top of Ryou's bed. It looked old, the cover and spine well worn.

It was out of place, the old, worn book in the middle of Ryou's bed. Her curiosity was piqued.

_Sakura, we shouldn't._

"I'm just gonna take a peek." She said, sitting down on the bed. Sakura grabbed the book and flipped through the pages. Nearly every page was written in, the dates going back to 2007. She flipped through the pages, reading every so line here and there.

It was a journal, Ryou's journal of his childhood. Sakura would've laughed because the thought of Ryou having kept a journal was funny in itself, but every entry was about him being in a hospital. She closed the book then opened it to the first page. The first line read: 'I lost my memory.'

Sakura closed the book again. Memory loss?

_Sakura, we really shouldn't read this. It's Ryou's journal._

"Quite worrying, Iori. I'm just gonna read a few pages." But even as she said that, she couldn't get past the first sentence. She shook her head, hardened her resolve and read more.

_I can't remember a lot. Some things I can, like from school. But there's nothing else. Dr. Kurogai said I had gotten really sick and was sleeping for a long time. And because of that I lost my memory. I'm still in the hospital. He said I can't go yet. He gave me this journal and said I should starting writing every day. He said it might help me remember things._

_I can remember my mom and dad's face-_

Sakura closed the book. She couldn't read any more. She set the book aside and left Ryou's room. She closed the door behind her and leaned against it.

She was living in an apartment with a rehabilitating hikikomori, her younger brother Iori with his frail condition and disorder, and now Ryou, whom she always thought to be a nosy pampered boy, who suffered memory loss when he was younger.

They were a trio of butchered childhoods living together.

Sakura smiled, chuckling a little bit.

"We're a mess aren't we."

_Sakura?_

"Nothing," She said. "Let's switch, Iori. I'm tired."

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o0

* * *

When Kaoru and Ryou returned, they found Iori sleeping on the couch. Kaoru went on ahead, taking his suitcase to Ryou's room. Ryou walked over to Iori, gently shaking him awake. Iori yawned, slowly stretching his arms, sitting upright.

"Oi, Ryou."

"Sakura?"

She nodded. She stared at him, words dancing at the tip of her tongue. Raiding Ryou's room earlier was just an excuse to distract her from thinking about Kaoru moving in. And since that hadn't gone well, the whole day was spent on thinking about the move.

She was tired of it. And she knew she really couldn't blame Ryou, but that didn't stop her from hating him. Yet it really wasn't his fault. Sakura sighed in frustration, stomping her feet against the floor.

"I don't like you! I hate that Kaoru loves you. I hate that I don't have a body for myself. I can't… _do_ anything. It's frustrating."

Ryou stayed quiet, unsure what to say. Sakura stared at him, scowled, and gave him a quick smack against his forehead.

"I don't want you to say anything. In fact, I don't want you too! I just…" She sighed, shoulders sagging. "If you make Kaoru sad, I won't ever forgive you. I'll put Iori to sleep so go."

Ryou looked like he wanted to say something but Sakura's glare warned him off. She didn't want to hear anything from him. With not much of a choice, Ryou nodded and left. Sakura stayed on the couch, hands balled into fists by her side.

"Iori, wake up, hurry, _wake up._"

Iori blinked, looking around the living room. He looked down at his hands, noticing the nail marks imbedded in his palms. His chest hurt. It was painful but very different from the usual pain he would feel whenever he felt ill. His eyes and throat burned. Iori was scared but not for himself. It was Sakura. She was so incredibly sad. A tear drop fell, landing on the back of his hand.

He raised his hand to his face and realized he was crying. He couldn't stop.

Kaoru was watching from the hallway, at Iori's trembling body. Ryou, stepping out of his room, saw him and walked over. When he heard a sob come from the living room, he started to walk past Kaoru but was stopped. Instead, Kaoru walked into the living room and to Iori's side.

Iori looked up from his hands, noticing Kaoru walk up to him.

"Kaoru, Sakura feels so sad. I don't want this, how can I make her happy?"

"Let me speak to her, Iori." He nodded, still crying, and a moment later his hands flew up to his face. He bent over, head between his knees.

"Don't look at me!" Sakura cried. "Go away! You can't see me like this!"

Kaoru remained still, eyes never leaving the doubled over frame of Iori. Of the older sister crying through a body that wasn't her own.

"Sakura, I want to apologize." He spoke.

Sakura fiercely shook her head. "No, please, Kaoru, don't say anything else." Her voiced sounded so small and far away.

"Sakura, you're important to me. You are dear to me, a precious friend but the feelings you have, I can't return them."

Sakura shuddered, crying harder as his words resonated in her mind. She knew it.

She'd always known. But knowing and hearing were to different things. Just knowing, Sakura could've kept on pretending. But hearing his words, finally hearing what she knew devastated her. And there was absolutely nothing she could do. Nothing at all. Sakura could only accept it and let it destroy any and every illusion she had of being together with Kaoru.

"IhatehimIhatehimIhatehim." She wheezed and coughed, Iori's body struggling to cope with Sakura's crying. Ryou finally rushed forward, settling down in front of Sakura. She slapped his hands away, taking deep breathes.

"I- I can take care… of myself…" She gripped her knees, refusing to meet their eyes. Her chest hurt, and it was really hard calming down. But she tried. She couldn't be the one to send Iori to the hospital. She couldn't let her own emotions hurt Iori. That wasn't her job. Her sole reason of existing was to protect Iori.

"See-" She had stopped wheezing after a few minutes of deep breathing, the ragged coughs slowing down. She stood to her feet, wiping at her tear-streaked face. "I… it's under control." She started to walk away, heading to her room but stopped.

_Sakura, please let me talk to Kaoru._

"What're you babbling about, Iori?"

_Please._

"Sakura?" Ryou spoke.

Iori shook his head. He turned around, facing Kaoru. "I know girls make you feel uneasy but can you please hug her. Sakura never would normally ask and I myself can't really hug her, but please, I know it would make her feel better." Iori bowed.

_Idiot! What the hell are you asking him for!?_

Sakura stood upright. "Forget what he said! I don't need-"

The words died in her throat. Kaoru stepped towards Sakura and embraced her.

He was so tall. Sakura's head barely reached Kaoru's chest. His longs arms held her so gently. She bit her lip, arms shaking by her side. She slowly raised her arms, hands gripping Kaoru's shirt.

"Master En…" She cried into his chest, voice muffled.

She knew this was never going to happen again. Sakura hugged him tighter. A warm hand patted her head, stroking her head softly.

"Please be happy, Master En. I know it can't ever be with me, so please, just be happy." She sniffed loudly, still holding him as she slumped against his arms, head rolling back. Ryou went to Kaoru's side, ready to take him when Iori straightened up. He moved away from Kaoru, bowing to him.

"Thank you."

"Is she okay?" Kaoru asked.

Iori shrugged. "She's asleep now. But don't worry, Sakura is strong and so am I."

Until Sakura felt better, Iori would be there to help her. He didn't know exactly what that was but he would try his best. After all those years of Sakura protecting him, helping her now heal from a wounded heart would be his job.

_What're you doing, acting all cocky. _

Iori grinned as he walked to his room. "Depend on me more, Sakura. I'm here too."

…_Thank you, Iori._

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

* * *

**I think it has come to the point where I can't write .hack fics without including Haseo/Endrance.**

**My headcanon for them is fiercely stupidly strong and stubborn. **


	4. 10 year old Ryou

0o0o0o0o0o

* * *

**2010/xx/xx**

In a quiet sterile room, Ryou slept. There was a window to the side of the room, allowing the sun and a somewhat pleasant view of Tokyo to be seen. But it wouldn't matter to the boy sleeping on the bed. He hadn't seen the sun for months.

A woman, wearing a worn expression, sat beside Ryou, gently holding his hand and staring. His mother, the worn young woman, was always there every day without fail.

Machines were hooked up to him, monitoring his body. The beeps of the machines were the only indication that Ryou was alive. Other than that, his motionless body mimicked the dead. His mother sighed, slightly squeezing her son's hand. She did what she always did and talked to him.

She hoped her voice would reach him. With the Second Network Crisis just merely a few months back, she wanted her son awake and well again.

"Good evening, Mrs. Misaki."

The intern, Mr. Kurogai, walked in. She greeted him silently and looked back at her son.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o

* * *

There were voices somewhere above his head. There always were but somehow, this time, they were louder.

Ryou wanted to know who was talking. But he couldn't move his body. His arms wouldn't move nor his legs. He was scared. Ryou didn't like it. He shifted; his head barely moving as he slowly opened his eyes.

Light assaulted his eyes and he quickly shut them again. But the voices stopped. For a moment it was silent then one of the voices shouted.

What was going on beyond the light?

Ryou tried again, eyes glaring at the light. He couldn't. It was too bright.

Something warm grabbed his hand and another voice spoke to him. It was soothing and felt familiar. The warmth squeezed his hand, calling his name. Ryou tried for a third time, facing the light and keeping his eyes opening.

Everything was a blur. Faces were rushing around him but the one that stood out was a woman's face, the closest one to him. He blinked, eyes wandering to the faster blur around him before he settled back to her. Underneath his oxygen mask, his lips moved and the rest of the blurs stopped. The woman looked up, a smile on her lips as she faced one of the still faces. She looked back down on him.

"….w…"

The warmth squeezing his hand spread throughout him.

"…who…?"

Her expression crumbled and she was pulled away, the warmth leaving him. The still faces began to blur again, so much motion, and the voices began to speak.

Ryou drifted back to sleep.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o

* * *

Ryou's gradual awakening took time.

For the first week, he could barely stay awake for more than a few minutes. The times he was awake, all he remembered were the nurses checking his signs, lights being beamed into his eyes, and so many voices speaking. But none of those faces were of the woman. By the second week, he could stay awake for longer but didn't speak. The faces he recognized as the nurses would talk to him, every day, with smiles and soft voices. Ryou would simply stare.

By the third week, after extensive testing and giant machines that whirled, the more complicated machines that were hooked up to him were gone. This time, the woman he saw, did come.

She smiled, a strained one, but she sat down beside him. She grabbed his hand, squeezing it gently. He looked down at their intertwined hands, the warmth coming off her hand familiar.

"Sweetie, do you know your name?" She asked.

Ryou glanced back to her face. He knew that voice. Her voice called his name so many times. What was it again?

Ryou thought, and he squeezed her hand back.

"…Misaki." Ryou said his name again. It was coming back to him. "Ryou Misaki."

The smile on the woman's face was so bright. Ryou smiled back and squeezed her hand again.

"Mom."

The voice that was always calling out to him was his mother, the woman sitting beside him. This time the smile wavered. She leaned forward, embracing him in her arms, holding him tightly. Her body was shaking and he could hear her cry. Ryou's arms gripped her and for reasons unknown to him, he began crying too.

It felt like he hadn't seen her in so long.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o0

* * *

At the fourth week since waking up, he could talk. It was difficult, recalling some words, but the nurses helped him remember. When his mother came to visit again during the middle of the week, the doctor came in with her, and a nurse he hadn't seen before. His mother came to sit beside him and she grabbed his hand.

"Ryou, I would like to explain to you about why you're in the hospital, but first I need you to answer a question for me." The doctor said. Ryou looked at his mother; the doctor's tone of voice scared him. His mother patted his hand, giving him a reassuring squeeze.

"Okay." Ryou replied, looking back at the doctor.

"Can you tell me what year it is?" He asked.

"2006."

His mother's hand slightly shook. He looked at her but she smiled.

"And how old are you?"

"Six." Ryou answered.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o0

* * *

They explained to him he'd been asleep for a long time. From a rare disease that left him in a coma. His memories were gone; at least four years worth of memories. Hearing just that was a lot for him to comprehend but they explained it to him slowly. They said they might not be permanently gone, and they were going to help him remember, but the doctor also said it wasn't likely. The nurse, a male intern called Kurogai, was going to help him keep track of his rehabilitation.

He'd given him a journal to keep track of his days and any memories he might remember.

Kurogai explained that his rehabilitation was going to take a long time. They needed to build his muscles up again after being bedridden for so long. Ryou remembered Kurogai explaining but he hadn't paid much attention. It was too complicated to remember. He just knew they were going to make his muscles stronger again through exercise. And that was just his physical rehabilitation.

His mental condition was something else entirely different. It would take even more time.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o

* * *

It took years for his body and mind to recover. Ryou spent the first year in the hospital, focusing mainly on his physical rehabilitation. And even after that was done, he stayed for another few months to make sure he was physically healthy. He would still have to go back to the hospital, to keep up with more muscle rehab but at least he could go home.

The memories he had lost hadn't come back. He had accepted they wouldn't come back but he kept writing in the journal. Kurogai bought him a small set of journals at his discharge so he had plenty to write in.

After that, he spent the time relearning everything he had forgotten in those four years. He was homeschooled by a tutor and didn't attend school until he was caught up. After that, Ryou transferred back into the school he was enrolled in and he started his life again.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o

* * *

**And so we begin Ryou's arc. **


	5. 17 year old Ryou

0o0o0o0o0o

* * *

Losing four years worth of memories wasn't exactly a trip in the park. Nor was his life in junior high. Up until his final year, teachers and classmates gave him a wide berth of space. Coupled together with his continuing physical rehabilitation and still weakened body, Ryou hardly had any friends. And the few friends he did have were always talking about a game called The World.

That was all any of them talked about; online games and such. Mostly about The World.

When Ryou had asked his parents if they could buy him the game, his dad and mom both gave him a quick refusal. They wouldn't let him bring it up again. So Ryou didn't bother with it. He wouldn't miss what he never had.

Not until he entered high school.

It was a fresh start because the classmates he had from junior high were all located to different classrooms. At 16, now physically fit again after finally finishing six years of rehab, he started over. And when a friend told him about The World R:X, he'd thought he would give it a try.

This time around, his parents were more lenient, and it took a couple of fights before they settled on an agreement. Ryou agreed to work as a condition but he could finally try out the game he's heard about so much since he was little.

It was nothing exciting at first. The World was exactly as other MMORPG, at least the few he had played. He was going to ultimately give up, especially after he was PK'd. But Ovan saved him. Then he met Phyllo; stubborn old man that he was. And Shino.

And for several months, nothing was ever uneventful for him.

Then everything went to hell when Shino was PK'd and in a coma. His life became hectic, spending any chance he could get to hunt down Tri-Edge. He barely concentrated in class, the couple of friends he had stopped talking to him, and he was fired from work for the days he didn't go in. When he finally found Tri-Edge, everything just went to hell again as he was easily defeated, despite the high level he was at.

Although, it wasn't all painful.

The friends he made were all precious to him. And he wouldn't deny that he would not have changed if it weren't for Silabus and Gaspard; and Atoli.

Later, after getting some normalcy back into his life, he suggested to his dad that he wanted to live alone; something he thought he would have to fight tooth and nail to get but his dad was surprisingly okay with it. Ryou's mother was more stubborn; settling with the agreement once she made sure Ryou could cook.

When his mother was satisfied with his cooking, Ryou's dad lent him an apartment in one of the buildings he owned; a 2LDK on the top floor of the complex building. He started working with his father, learning the business and six months into his new apartment, he found himself babysitting Iori on the weekends.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

* * *

_Ryou could see nothing but wasteland._

_Aside from the desolate, cracked land that expanded until eternity, he couldn't see anything that suggested there was anything else out there. And he couldn't move. He looked down at himself, noticing he wasn't on the ground but hovering in the air. His arms were spread out beside him, as if he was pinned to a cross._

_Ryou tugged hard, struggling to move his arms and legs but they wouldn't budge. He was forced to stare at the wasteland, several feet above the grey, cracked ground. Still, he struggled in vain, yelling and thrashing._

_It wasn't until he saw a slim cloaked figure dash across the wasteland that he stopped. Ryou watched it run. There was a large shadow chasing after it. Ryou looked up at the black sky, but there was nothing in the air to cast that shadow. A chill ran down his spine. _

_He looked back down. _

_The shadow loomed over him, shooting straight up into the sky. He yelled, falling to the ground._

_The ground?_

_Ryou looked at his hands, large clunking wrist guards on them. He touched his face, feeling the ragged cloak he'd seen on the running figure. Ryou quickly stood up, looking down as he realized he became the cloaked figure. _

_The shadow screeched, calling Ryou's attention. He ran, as fast as his legs could carry him. He couldn't let the shadow catch him._

_So he ran across the wasteland, never looking back. Feet struck the ground, kicking up tiny clouds of dust as he ran. The bright white sun never moved in the black sky. And no matter how far Ryou ran, he really couldn't see any end to the wasteland. _

_He didn't know how long he ran or if the shadow was even chasing him but he didn't stop. Even if his chest did hurt and legs pained him._

_Ryou took his next step and his knees buckled underneath him. He fell, coughing as he inhaled a cloud of dirt. He couldn't run any more. His stamina was just gone. Cautiously, Ryou looked behind him. _

_The shadow was gone. _

_Ryou breathed a sigh of relief. He didn't even know why he was running from the shadow. Instincts simply told him to run. Taking time to catch his breath, Ryou looked around at his surroundings. _

_He wanted to see the face of the body he'd become but there was nothing but land around him. Ryou sighed as he shakily stood to his feet. Now all he had to do was figure out a way out of the barren wasteland._

_The shadow that was chasing him lunged from the ground. It grabbed his body and before Ryou could fight back, he was already caught. It bound him and Ryou watched it bubble from the ground like black tar. _

_It began to take shape, writhing mass of black converging into each other, fleshing out. A body was forming, reforming, until it began to look like a hunched over woman. The shoulders were slouched forward, arms lifelessly dangling in front of it. The hair, like black wires, extended to the ground, slowly slithered towards Ryou. The head hung low, black mass of wires covering its' face. _

_Ryou shivered and hoped it wouldn't look up. But the shadow woman raised her head. The woman's face was blank, except for her closed eyes and mouth. _

_Horrified, Ryou helplessly watched as hollowed out eyes stared at him as the woman grinned. _

"!"

Ryou sat upright, waking up in a cold sweat.

He scrambled out of bed, rushing out of his room and into the bathroom. He barely managed to hug the toilet as he threw up, emptying out his stomach of his dinner. Ryou groaned, heavy coughs assaulting his lungs. The dry heaves were causing him a headache but he still clutched the toilet.

"Dammit…"

He couldn't stop breathing heavily and could feel the onset of a panic attack. Wiping his mouth, Ryou gripped the countertop of the sink and used it to pull himself up. He searched the mirror's cabinet, pulling out a bottle of pills. He quickly popped open the cap and took a single pill.

In the meanwhile, he recalled everything Dr. Kurogai told him to do; breathe, relax, don't let the panic over take him. Ryou flushed the toilet and left the room before the smell could get to him.

"It's been awhile since I had that dream." He said to himself as he walked into the kitchen.

If Ryou had to pick one side effect of coming out of that coma, it was the strange nightmare he always had.

The barren wasteland and hollowed-eyed grinning shadow woman were the monsters that haunted his dreams. He had sessions with Dr. Kurogai to try and figure out what the nightmare meant but it never made any sense to Ryou. Eventually, as more time had passed, the nightmare gradually stopped coming to him. Having that dream come back to him now was more of an inconvenience than anything else.

Ryou poured himself a cup of water and drank it. He was calm now and walked back to his room to claim any hours of sleep he could.

Iori's mother was dropping Iori off for the weekend. Kaoru, for the first time since he began his hikikomori life, would be stepping outside and visit Ryou for the weekend.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

* * *

Kaoru wasn't what Ryou imagined he would be.

Meeting him in the hallway, he looked up to the hikikomori. Physically up. Ryou himself was pretty tall, but still well less than six feet tall. Kaoru seemed to be around that height. But he looked smaller. He kept his gaze downcast, blue eyes flickering to Ryou then away.

"Hey." He greeted.

Kaoru's eyes flicked back towards Ryou. "Haseo…"

Ryou, for whatever reason, blushed. "You can call me by my name, y'know."

"…Misaki." That made Ryou turned even redder. He grumbled, hips cocked as he placed his hands on them.

"That's even worse. It's okay to call me by my first name."

Kaoru nodded. "Hello, Ryou." He smiled, and Ryou could see some of the tension Kaoru was holding let go on his shoulders. He must've been exhausted from traveling.

"C'mon in." Ryou said.

Kaoru nodded, starting to walk towards Ryou's apartment when he stopped beside Ryou. He paused, lips moving silently. He reached for Ryou's hand but pulled back before he could graze Ryou's fingers.

"I am glad you are real." He said. Then he walked into Ryou's apartment.

Ryou looked down at his hands. Kaoru hadn't touched his hands but he almost felt Kaoru's hand on his.

And it felt even more embarrassing than when Kaoru called his name.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o0

* * *

**Okay, so I lied when I said I had plenty of materials for this fic. **

**What I meant to say was, 'I have the plot bunnies for this fic but, like the unorganized bum that I am, I don't write them down. So what happens is the plot bunnies would escape the ranch and I would have to hunt those bastards down to continue writing'. **

**Also because, although I've thought about Ryou's past countless times, and in depth, I've never written it down. So making sense of my own headcanon for him in written form took some time to get down. **


	6. 18 year old Ryou

0o0o0o0o0o0

* * *

"Hmm."

The tick of the clock was the only sound that hung in the air in Ryou's kitchen. Aside from the occasional questioning hum from Ryou, Kaoru stood beside him, looking at the sink as well.

"I didn't-" Kaoru began.

"I know." Ryou replied.

"But you are quiet."

"'Cause I don't know what to say."

"Is it because…?"

Ryou nodded.

The object in question that had them both speculative was the frying pan in the sink. And the golden brown monstrosity that solidified in it.

A mass of golden sugar caked the frying pan, hard as a rock, with threads coming out of it. The caramelized sugar threaded through the air above the pan, thin towers of sugar surrounded the wooden spoon that was cemented to the pan by the sugar. Several twisted around the haft of the spoon, curved and spiraled.

Really, it was a sight to behold.

"For curiosity sakes, how?" Ryou asked.

"I looked away. For a bit."

This time Ryou glanced towards Kaoru. A lot of the sugar was on him, caked on his shirt, forearm and hands. It almost looked like tiny rivets of sugar froze in place on his hands. Some of the golden threads even managed to cake themselves on his cheeks.

"Well, we can try again later." Ryou turned towards Kaoru. "Did you get burned?"

Kaoru shook his head. But then stopped as he looked at his right hand. "A little but it's okay. It didn't hurt for long."

"Well, let's get the sugar off your face at least."

Kaoru nodded, lifting his hand to his face as he felt for the caramelized sugar.

"Over here." Ryou said. Before he had time to think, he plucked the thread of sugar that ran the side of Kaoru's cheek. Kaoru smiled and held Ryou's hand.

"Thank you."

Ryou blinked, realizing what he'd done. He turned away from Kaoru, face well red.

"Yeah, whatever." He said dismissively. "Do you want to come get Iori's cake with me?"

Kaoru thought about it. He wasn't wholeheartedly comfortable with going outside yet but he had gotten better. And Ryou would be with him. That idea alone made him relaxed.

"I will." He went to change his shirt before leaving.

It's only been a couple of months since Kaoru started visiting Ryou in Tokyo. Ryou could tell that the constant travelling was actually beneficial for Kaoru. Crowds didn't bother him as much but he always does his best to avoid them. And he avoided the girls even more.

Like now, as they were stepping through the doors of the complex building to the street, Kaoru shifted over to Ryou's right, as a group of high school girls walked in on their left. They giggled and stole glances at Kaoru, whom just hid his face.

Ryou understood their reaction. Kaoru, for lack of another word, was quite beautiful.

Or at least he was now than when they first met.

Back then, Kaoru was pale, the kind of pale that didn't seem quite healthy. And his tall body was scarily thin. Kaoru had told him he did eat but blood made him faint and he didn't like meat. Or fish. All the meals he would eat where made by his mom. And even then he would eat what he wanted and leave the rest alone.

Not so much now.

Kaoru fleshed out a bit. And he wasn't as pale as before. So he looked rather attractive. Kaoru's blond hair stood out and those blue eyes of his even more. And the usual gaze he wore was a cold one. Not that it ever stopped many girls from trying to talk to him. But it was all useless.

Ryou knew it was rather conceited to think of it, but Kaoru would only ever look at him.

He knew this well. Because Kaoru would tell him, verbally and physically, every chance he could.

Kaoru apparently didn't know what embarrassment was. And every time Kaoru spoke of love, Ryou would get embarrassed instead.

"Ryou?"

Kaoru's voice brought him back to the world. He looked over at Kaoru, closer than necessary but only because he'd rather be close to Ryou than strangers.

"Where are we getting the cake?"

Ryou looked around, noticing that he had been leading Kaoru without really noticing where he was.

"Huh, good question." He looked back the way they were walking. "I think we were supposed to go down that street." He started walking back down the street with Kaoru right next to him.

Eventually they found the pastry shop. Ryou ordered the cake and they waited in the café. They sat near the back of the café, a good way away from the rest of the customers. Ryou ordered a drink and Kaoru a smoothie. The girl who waited on them stared at Kaoru, trying to get his attention while she could.

Naturally, his attention wasn't on her.

"Your cake will be ready in a few minutes, Sir." Ryou nodded and the waitress left.

"She was interested in you." Ryou said. Kaoru glanced towards the waitress, whom blushed and looked away as she took the orders of another customer.

"That… it doesn't interest me."

"Not even a little."

Kaoru shook his head. "She's irrelevant. To me, you matter the most."

And there it was. Words that no man should be able to say with a straight face. Yet, Kaoru managed to do that perfectly.

"I don't see what you see in me."

"It's because you are you that you can't see." Kaoru said. He looked down at his smoothie. "You are important to me."

"But I really didn't do anything special." Ryou replied. And he honestly thought that.

But Kaoru shook his head. "You pulled me from the darkness. Your voice reached to me, lifting me up."

Ryou looked away. "I think you're hyping me up. I needed you at the time. That was all."

Kaoru smiled. "That is enough for me."

"Sir, your cake is ready." The waitress came back. Ryou nodded and left for the counter to pay. She smiled and batted her lashes.

"I'm-"

"I am not interested in you." Kaoru quickly cut her off, blues eyes hardened and cold. She stepped back, flinching at his voice.

"Kaoru, let's go!"

And those cold blue eyes melted into warm pools only meant for Ryou. He stood and walked around her to Ryou. To him, nobody else mattered except for Ryou.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o0

* * *

Ryou came back from the hospital exhausted. Dr. Kurogai all but kicked him out of the hospital, assuring him that Iori would be fine. As soon as he got home, he laid down on the sofa. He heard soft footsteps from the hallway and Kaoru was in front of him. He leaned over and pressed his hand against Ryou's forehead.

"I'm fine, Kaoru."

"And Iori?" He asked.

Ryou nodded. "He'll be fine too." Kaoru kneeled in front of Ryou, hand sliding down to press his palm against Ryou's cheek. Kaoru's touches were nothing new to him to him and he'd grown accustomed to them. If anything, they were soothing.

"Iori's going to live with me." Ryou said, closing his eyes.

"He's not going to your school?"

Ryou shook his head. "He is, for his junior high years." He stayed silent, eyes still closed. "His mother is really somebody I just can't seem to like."

"You are attached to Iori." Kaoru said. "I can tell he is attached to you too."

Ryou opened his eyes and stared at Kaoru. "He reminds me of myself when I was younger." He remained quiet again. He wasn't sure but he wanted to tell Kaoru about his childhood.

"Ryou?" A soft stroke underneath his eyes focused Ryou back to Kaoru. He looked worried.

"Quit looking so worried. I'm just tired, that's all."

He straightened up, pulling Kaoru's hand away from his face. Kaoru nodded; standing and stepping away as Ryou walked to his bedroom. Kaoru followed behind him, eyeing Ryou's hand. He reached out and grabbed it.

"Kaoru?"

Ryou turned back.

"Can I be attached to you too?" Kaoru asked.

Ryou looked back at him; saw the expression on Kaoru's face, and an incredulous smile spread his lips. His advancements, or lack of advancements because Ryou knew, almost right from the start, it was all Kaoru's sincere feelings.

Every word, every gesture.

Kaoru meant it all.

"You already are."

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o0

* * *

_The wasteland; grey cracked land stretching on until forever. _

_The black sky and white sun providing light but no heat. _

_The running; heaving panting and aching legs. _

_The thin woman with hollowed eyes grasping him. _

_But this time there was something odd. She opened her mouth, watching it unhinge, tar spilling onto the ground. Ryou gagged, the stench was horrible. Burnt wires, burnt plastic, all mingling together. _

_Some splashed on his face and it burned. The woman grinned, inching closer. _

_Ryou's heart pounded against his chest. She raised her arms, thin blackened fingers stretching towards him. She grabbed his face, caressing his cheeks. The tar spread across his cheeks, burning into his flesh. She grinned, leaning so close. Tar oozed out of her mouth, landing on his arms, legs, chest._

"_Not again."_

"!"

Ryou's stomach rocked, ripping the sheets away from his body as he ran to the bathroom. He banged his knee against the counter of the sink, barely managing to reach the toilet as he threw up.

His back spasm; stomach clenching as he gripped the porcelain bowl. Chopping coughs ripped through his chest, hurting every time he tried to breath. He could hear footsteps run towards the bathroom, and another tiny set from the room beside him.

He wheezed, another wave of nausea striking him. But they were dry, painful coughs.

The first wave of nausea had emptied his stomach of dinner.

Ryou shuffled away from the toilet, flushing it.

"Ryou?"

Ryou wiped his mouth and gripped the countertop of the sink. Kaoru stepped in, slipping an arm around Ryou's waist as he supported him to his feet. Ryou steadied his arms on the countertop, regulating his breathing.

Slowly inhale.

Then exhale.

In the nose.

And out the mouth.

Ryou gagged, elbows buckling underneath him. But Kaoru held on to him, not letting him hit his head against the hard countertop.

"Thank you." He said.

"Ryou, are you sick?" Iori's voice came from outside the door. Ryou shook his head.

"I'm fine. I just had a nightmare." He said. Ryou grabbed the mouthwash and rinsed out the taste of regurgitated food. With Kaoru's help, he walked back to his bedroom, Iori's tiny steps right behind him.

"Iori. Really, I'm fine."

"You look pale, though."

Ryou laughed weakly. "I'll get my color back. C'mon, if I have another attack, I'll call Dr. Kurogai." Iori hummed for a moment then nodded, heading back to his room. Ryou sighed and fell back on his bed.

"Are you really alright?" Kaoru asked.

Ryou nodded. "I just need to breathe deeply for a while." He said, forearm covering his eyes. Ryou could feel the bed dip as Kaoru sat beside him. He felt Kaoru twine his fingers through his other hand, squeezing Ryou's hand reassuringly.

Ryou smiled.

The panic attack that usually followed wasn't hitting him.

Kaoru ran his thumb in soothing circles on the back of Ryou's hand. He wasn't saying anything, just calmly waiting for Ryou to relax. Ryou moved his forearm away from his eyes. He sat upright, shuffling back until he was pressed against the wall. Kaoru watched him, concerned.

"I'm okay now." He said.

"What happened?" Kaoru asked.

Ryou looked away. It's been so long since he had to explain anything related to his coma. Not since junior high. He looked at his hand, the one Kaoru was still holding. He took in a deep breath and exhaled. Somehow, he felt that Kaoru's reaction would be different than other people he had told, aside from Dr. Kurogai.

"You don't have to if you feel uncomfortable." Kaoru supplied.

"It's fine," Ryou said with a shake of his head. "I get these nightmares sometimes. The only lasting aliment from the coma I was in."

"Coma…?"

Ryou nodded.

And he told Kaoru about the disease that placed him in a coma. How he'd lost four years worth of memories. The rehabilitation he underwent and the stares he would get from his classmates and teachers in junior high. And when he was done, although he didn't want to, he looked at Kaoru for his reaction.

But Kaoru reacted first.

He reached out, pressing his palm against the side of Ryou's face. Ryou could feel his face heat up and he couldn't look away from his eyes. There wasn't any pity in his blue eyes. If anything, it was understanding. Or was it sympathy?

"Thank you for telling me." He said, eyes never wavering away from Ryou's.

And the heat kept rising. He blinked then looked away. He grumbled, a frown shaping his lips. Ryou honestly didn't know what to say or do. He couldn't bring himself to look back at Kaoru.

"Dammit…"

"I feel closer to you."

Ryou chuckled. "You definitely are closer." Kaoru started to move back but Ryou stopped him.

"You don't have to tell me, but," Ryou felt compelled to ask. "Why?"

Kaoru stared at him and settled closer. The bed creaked with his shifting weight. He grabbed Ryou's hands and Ryou couldn't help but notice how large they were against his. Again, he looked away. He usually had no problem looking Kaoru in the eye. But not tonight it seemed.

"I want to know everything about you; your faults and strengths."

That certainly didn't help him gain confidence in looking at Kaoru.

"You have a way with words, Kaoru." Ryou said, grumbling. Kaoru merely smiled gently, still grasping his hands. He glanced at the clock on the bedside table.

"You should get some rest." Kaoru said. His hand, once again, went to the side of Ryou's face. "You don't look pale anymore."

And Ryou had to laugh, a deep rich laugh.

"Was I paler than you?"

Kaoru nodded.

"Yeah, okay, Iet's go back to sleep then."

Kaoru nodded again and shuffled back, getting down to the spare futon Ryou had laid out. Ryou shuffled to the middle of his bed and sat there. He stared at Kaoru's back and his heart wouldn't stop thumping around even though Kaoru wasn't so near him.

He could still feel the heat from Kaoru's hand on his own hands and face.

"Hey, listen, do you… I mean, want to sleep together with me?"

His face couldn't get anymore hotter. He absolutely couldn't meet Kaoru's eye but he could see him shuffle closer. Arms wrapped around his waist and Kaoru looked up at him. Ryou meet those eyes, hopeful blue eyes, and Ryou didn't feel that quite embarrassed.

The question was there in his eyes, and uncertainty, but the genuine feeling was there.

"C'mon up." He said, answering Kaoru's unspoken question.

He couldn't help but fall in love with Kaoru's honest feelings.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

* * *

**And now I've developed a pretty solid headcanon as to why Ryou falls in love with Kaoru. **

**Now then, there won't be an update any time soon because 1) NYCC this weekend B) Midterms and 3) Gotta fill the void Doctor Who left by marathoning Teen Wolf. **

**So I guess in 2 weeks time.**

**(Raise your hand if you ever felt personally victimized by secondhand embarrassment from Kaoru. Because I know I have. The sappy jerk)**


	7. 13 year old Kaoru

0o0o0o0o0o0o

* * *

**xx/xx/2010**

Today his classmates gave him a muddy school bag and shoes.

Kaoru sighed as he stood in front of the door to his house. It wasn't often that he would come home dirtied. Normally, the boys in his class would leave him alone. But Kaoru had gathered up his nerves and talked to a girl during lunch. He just wanted to have a simple conversation. Mia had said talking would be the start of finding a friend.

Apparently a boy had a crush on that girl and he didn't like that Kaoru had talked to her.

Or it could've been an excuse for his appearance. It certainly wouldn't have been the first time his look caused him trouble. Kaoru looked down at himself once more. He noticed some dirt on his uniform as well. It must've been when they pushed him to the ground.

Kaoru cleared his mind and shook his head. There wasn't much he could do now.

He entered his home and as soon as he closed the door behind him, Kaoru could smell the dinner his mother was cooking.

"I'm home." Kaoru called out.

"Welcome home!" She replied from the kitchen. Kaoru heard the clatter of utensil being placed on the counter. He removed his shoes, tossing his bag to the floor beside them. Her footsteps came closer and he straightened up.

"Tonight we're hav-" Her words stopped as she gasped. She quickly kneeled in front of him, grasping his face in her hands. Kaoru winced, a short pulse of pain throbbing from his right cheek, as she examined his face. He flinched when a finger ran over the bruise.

"Who did this?" She asked.

Kaoru averted his eyes from her stern-set eyes. "It's nothing."

She grabbed his face again, Kaoru flinching slightly, and looked into his eyes. Searching for an answer she might extract from him. Kaoru didn't fold.

Another few seconds and she sighed.

She knew her son well enough to know exactly how stubborn he could be.

"Go clean up then." She said with a gentle tousle of his hair.

Kaoru nodded and made his way to the bathroom.

When he looked at himself in the mirror, Kaoru finally got a clear view of the bruise on his cheek that was turning purple. And maybe a little bit green too. Aside that from that, the rest of his face was left unmarred. Kaoru blinked; his mirror self blinking those bright blue eyes as well.

Kaoru knew he always looked different.

His eyes and blond hair made him stand apart from the mass of his dark-haired classmates. It probably wouldn't have even crossed Kaoru's mind if the teasing hadn't started in middle school.

The teasing was never bad, and today was just an off day. Kaoru didn't all together care too much. He could bear it well enough as long as Mia was with him.

Kaoru smiled and walked out of the bathroom once he washed his face. He needed to change into clean clothes for dinner. Then he would log into The World. Mia had mentioned she want to spend time with him.

And it's been awhile since they've gotten to go to a field. With the game glitching at times and Mia's PC getting some sort of virus, they rarely spent time together like they used too. He knew they were going to have fun tonight.

But first, there was dinner to eat.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

* * *

That night was the worst Kaoru ever experienced.

Mia was gone. She glowed in Kite's arms and dispersed into orbs that faded in the sky. He could hear a loud booming voice at the time but Kaoru hadn't paid attention. How could he?

Mia was gone.

And when Kite had tried to speak to him, he snapped, logging out of The World. He couldn't look away from the screen of his computer. His mind couldn't process what had happened. Or rather, he wanted to delude himself. But he couldn't.

He saw Mia disappear with his own eyes. He couldn't forget or get himself to forget.

Kaoru lost a very precious friend.

"…Mia." His voice cracked and he couldn't stop the wrecking sob that assaulted him. Even if Mia could only exist in The World, Kaoru felt so alone knowing she wasn't there anymore.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o0o

* * *

During the time Mia was gone, Kaoru wasn't able to handle other people as well as he used to. He was wearier of his classmates and more withdrawn. They completely left him alone now that he wouldn't talk to anyone. He became hyperaware of other people and felt so anxious. Kaoru still played The World, if only for the comfort of visiting all their favorite fields.

He would see Kite running around. And he hated the twin blade user. But at the same time he couldn't really hate him. Mia wouldn't like that in him. So he ignored him, all and every flash mail the twin blade sent him.

After a particular bad day in school, Kaoru went straight to his room as soon as he got home. His mother wasn't home, having left a note saying she would be working late and that dinner was in the microwave. Kaoru logged in and without hesitating warped into one of the fields he'd bookmarked.

It was a beautiful field, a small one with no monster. A grassy field with the sun beaming so bright as it beamed down. Elk smiled and turned around.

"Mia…!"

She wasn't there to answer. The smile dropped. Elk turned back around and walked to sit down on a log. He felt all the lonelier without Mia.

"Are you Elk?"

Elk shrieked, jumping off the log in shock. He turned back to the voice that startled him. An older wavemaster was standing behind the log. He was smiling politely, holding his staff by his side. Elk recognized the wavemaster. Not by name but by association. He'd seen the wavemaster talking to Kite a few times.

"Who are you?" Elk asked, standing back.

"Call me Wiseman."

"What do you want?" Elk asked.

"Kite needs help."

Elk bristled, hands clenching around his staff. "I don't care. Mia disappeared because of him!"

"Even if The World, and the real world, will fall to ruin."

Elk stared at him. "Without Mia, I don't care what happens."

"And your friends?"

Elk blinked then looked away. "Mia was my only friend."

Wiseman cocked an eyebrow. "And Kite?"

"He…"

"Don't judge him too harshly. Kite started playing The World because of a friend. Same as you. It is nice to have more than one friend."

Wiseman logged off, leaving Elk with his parting words. Kaoru took off his FMD and turned off the computer. He didn't want to run into Kite.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

* * *

Elk didn't have time to think. He could see it coming towards Kite and his legs moved. The attack went through him instead of Kite and he cried out in pain. The controller slipped through Kaoru's hand.

Kite looked at him in disbelief. Elk smiled, holding back the pain that lanced through him.

"I'm sorry I was selfish."

Then his world turned black.

When Kaoru woke up, he was in a hospital bed. His mother rushed to his side, clasping his hand in hers, so glad that he was awake again. He later learned that he'd been in a coma for a couple of hours. After checking with the doctor and staying in the hospital a couple of days after, Kaoru was back home.

When his mother made sure he would be okay, Kaoru went to his room. He turned on the lights and walked over to his computer. He turned it on and sat down in front of his desk. Kaoru grabbed his FMD and very hesitantly logged into The World.

As Elk logged into Mac Anu, the first thing he noticed was the graphics. They weren't distorted. Elk checked the other servers and sure enough, the ugly graphics that had marred The World was gone. It was all fixed. Elk warped back to Mac Anu and walked to the bridge.

Everyone was happy and chatting with their friends. Elk sighed and looked down at the canal.

"Hi, Elk."

Elk flinched, stepping back as he noticed Kite near him. Elk nodded, calming down as he went back to watching the canal. Kite stood beside Elk as they stared in silence.

"Elk, are you okay?" Kite asked.

Elk stayed silent for a moment. "I am."

Kaoru gripped his controllers. Elk turned to Kite. "Kite, I... Do you, I know I've been mean, but… do you think we can go adventuring some time?" Kaoru could feel his heart beat loudly. He was scared. He didn't want to think what would happen if Kite said no.

"Elk."

Kaoru flinched and focused back on Kite. "Of course." He said, smiling. The pattering of Kaoru's heart slowly calmed down and he smiled. He still had a friend even if Mia wasn't with him.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o0o

* * *

Then a few months later, Elk received an email from someone he didn't know. His heart raced because Mia was mentioned. Without thinking, he hurried to the keyword in the email. When he got there, Kite and BlackRose was there.

"Kite! Do you think Mia will be down there?"

"We'll find out," Kite said with a nod. Elk smiled and gripped his staff. Determination ran through him. If it was for Mia, he'd go through anything to see her again.

The monsters were tough and the dungeon was long. Elk pulled out all his strongest spells, healing Kite and BlackRose, buffing their stats when he needed to, anything to get to the bottom of the dungeon. When they reached the bottom dungeon, Elk buffed all their stats and entered the final room. A cat, a small one inside a floating bell-shaped monster, was the only monster in the room.

"Mia!"

With an affirmative nod, they attacked.

It was a long battle but they eventually won. The monster glowed and the cat was shrouded in light. When it dispersed, Mia was there. She landed back on the ground and Elk smiled, rushing towards her.

"Mia! I'm so glad you're here."

Mia looked around, as if she were silently confused. But she smiled when she saw Elk. Her ears twitched and she focused on Kite. She walked over to him and peered at his arm.

"That's a unique bracelet."

Kite looked shocked. Mia grabbed his hand as she peered at the bracelet she could see. Elk didn't know how to feel. Her memories were gone. She was back but…

"Can you see it?" Kite asked, his voice sadden.

"Yes, of course! Can you mean to say you can't see this nice bracelet?"

She was repeating the first conversation she had with Kite.

"Even if you can't see it, as long as you know it's there, it's the same thing as seeing it, right?"

"Yes, it is."

Elk wanted to cry and he turned towards Kite.

"Mia's memories…"

Kite placed a hand on Elk's shoulder. "It's okay because… Because you'll be there with her."

Kite's words repeated in his mind. He would be there for Mia. He'll always stay with Mia and help her. Elk smiled as he walked over to Mia.

"I'm always going to be with Mia. And I am going to help you remember things!" Kite smiled. "Call us sometime, Kite. Mia and I will be waiting."

Kite nodded. Elk stepped back and waved his arm. "So long!"

Mia gazed at Kite. "See you around."

She walked back towards Elk, placing her hand in his as they logged out.

Right then and there, when they warped into Mac Anu, Kaoru decided he didn't need the real world anymore. He had to make up time. If Mia only existed in The World, then Kaoru would spend every waking moment with her.

She wouldn't be alone ever again.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o0

* * *

**And let us begin Kaoru's arc. **

**[I'm in way too many fandoms to be considered healthy]**

**[[also, disclaimer. Precious characters aren't mine. Stingy CC2 has their souls.]]**


End file.
